My son or daughter came out as trans, what do I do?
I hear from a lot of parents that they had a happy cisgender child until one day their child was not happy and announced they’d like to be different. To these parents, coming out as transgender was a big surprise. The truth is, many children who are trans are not happy for a long time and attempt to appear as their assigned gender to please their parents, family, and friends. Often I see transgender children who begin cutting or struggling with suicidal thoughts well before realizing they are a different gender altogether.
When your child comes out as transgender, it's essential to provide love, support, and understanding. It may not be a journey you fully understand, but it’s one you must accept as this transition period of exploring is a very vulnerable time where a child can be hurt psychologically. Denying or rejecting them can have detrimental effects; after all, they are still a child who needs love and support.
Here are some steps to consider:
1. Listen and validate: Listen to your child's feelings and experiences without judgment. This one is hard to do and you may be thinking, “they are too young to know,” but typically a child or teen has been thinking about their gender experience long before parents hear of it. Validate their identity and emotions. Use their pronouns and new name. Help them process the emotions they have around their experience.
2. Educate yourself: Learn about transgender identities, experiences, and the challenges they may face. Are there any ‘parents of trans’ groups you can join online or in-person? Are their books you can read? Reach out to your community to learn more about how other parents managed their child’s transgender experience. This will help you understand and support your child better.
3. Seek professional guidance: Consider consulting with therapists, counselors, or support groups that specialize in gender identity issues. They can provide guidance for both you and your child. A therapist can help a child process and regulate their emotions, as well as support their confidence through their transition.
4. Respect their pronouns and name: Use the name and pronouns your child prefers, even if it takes time to adjust. Respecting their identity is crucial.
5. Provide a safe environment: Create a safe and accepting home environment where your child can express themselves without fear. It’s imperative to see your child as still a child, in need of love, affection, and attention.
6. Advocate for them: Be an advocate for your child when interacting with schools, healthcare providers, or other institutions to ensure their rights and needs are met. Evaluate options, timing, and where your child is on their journey. There is lots of gray area here, some transgender children and teens don’t want to get surgeries or take hormones, some do, it really depends on each individual.
7. Connect with support networks: Reach out to local or online support groups for parents of transgender children. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be invaluable.
8. Be patient: Understand that the process of self-discovery and transitioning can take time. Be patient and supportive throughout the journey, some children choose to explore their ideas of gender and may return back to their assigned gender. Some fully transition.
9. Love unconditionally: Your child is still the same person you love and still a child. Continue to support and love them unconditionally. Your love may be the only support they have, because often time transgender kids are targets for bullying at school and in some social circles.
Remember that every individual's journey is unique, and your child may have specific needs and preferences. Communication and empathy are key to supporting them on their path to self-discovery and happiness.